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29 January 2011 @ 12:31 am
This week has been a fucking roller coaster ride of emotions for me. In between balancing school, work, making futile attempts to care for someone I thought saw me as a part of their life, taking care of my health, and being a pillar of strength for the people who have lost a friend, as have I... I'm exhausted. I really am.

It's funny how the people I thought would provide me the most shelter from my pain and hurt were the ones who weren't really there at all. They weren't there for me physically. They didn't ask how I was holding up. I don't know if it's because I'm insignificant, or if they really just don't care. But the minute it felt like I was finally able to share some of my sadness, they turned away. Put down the phone. Stopped replying my text. Went about busy with other stuff that was apparently so much more important. And ironically I sought comfort in the most unexpected of ways.

I really know for sure now that I go too far the extra mile for people who don't deserve my love. I tried to scream for some form of help. And maybe what I needed to do was simply to ask. But a part of me didn't want that. It wanted to know that without me having to say anything at all, the people who cared, would know. All the while, what I really needed to hear was that you would never give up on me. And that you would always be here for me. But you weren't and you aren't, because I sat in anguish for 4 days. Without saying a word. So now I'll go to sleep in tears, and as usual, do the only thing I can do on my own-- That is to hope for a better tomorrow. And that my rest will relieve my heartache, like I always hope it does.
Current Mood: blank
27 January 2011 @ 10:15 pm
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

- Mary Frye

 An acquaintance of mine left us all for a better place yesterday morning. Everyone is devastated, and we mourn for the loss of a truly wonderful person. His decision to leave was his, and his alone, but for the choices he made, in exchange for his freedom, he has left behind hundreds of people who truly care for him.

We cannot turn back time, nor can we erase memories; good or bad. But we can treasure them, and he will live on in all our hearts. We can only seek comfort in the hopes that he is watching all of us, happy as can be. And until we meet again..
18 January 2011 @ 08:55 pm

All I want is to sit the fuck down and stop thinking about all this shit for one second.
To just lie back and count the minutes, wishing they could be spent with you.
Hope that you'll realize what I put aside for you sometimes, at the expense of my own happiness.
See that even now, I still choose to believe in the things you tell me, even if I know they probably won't turn into truth.
I know I can't expect you to be able to do the things I do for you
All I wish you would do is put in just a little bit more effort to do these things for me
When I really need you the most?

It hasn't been easy, and it never will be
But not once have I explicitly complained or given up
I never ask for more
And yet I have to find it in myself to come up with condescending excuses not just for you
But for myself, so I can fake feeling better.

I told you how I felt because you asked.
I just wanted to let out my feelings
I didn't do so because I needed to be told what I already knew
And I certainly didn't do so, so you could do anything about it 
Because the fact is that you simply can't...
Current Mood: sad